Life is so unfair at times (a little rant today)

It has been a depressing day and it's only noon.

So much has been on my mind and today, I am plagued with something that really hurts and bothers me from time to time.

Why the hell can't my husband and I be able to lay down and make a baby together like most couples?

My first husband did not want the kids we had together, yet he had super mega powerful long living powerful sperm. It would ALWAYS find a way to my egg, even on the pill once. What the hell?

I envy when I see families with children and I can see both parents in them. Sure Korinne has beautiful blue eyes like Tony, but I know that they did not come from him, but rather from a young college student probably trying to make some drinking money. Why are we robbed of that?

I am tired of always feeling like time is of the essence constantly. I am tired of throwing money away to the sperm banks and it gets exasparating at times dealing with known donors. I thought I found the 'perfect' one last month and without going into the logisitics, it turned out simply not to be the case. I am not going to say " Thank God I did not get pregnant" because I would have loved that baby no matter what. We have a good one we found this month but I always live with the fear that he will do what many other known donors have been known to do; back out at the last minute, not show up.....

I have read horror stories in the donor groups about women and couples who send money and pay for hotels for these donors and they disappear, never to be heard from again. Now this gentleman has said he is paying his own way here but I refuse not to compensate him in some way. I feel almost as though I am in the 'dating game' again! Always wondering if my impressions are good and if he will feel we are good enough to donate to.

I will backtrack a little to the sadness of my dh's male factor infertility. I will say that the world is full of such unthinking un kind idiots! As you know, my older four are ages 8-14 and most times I only bring Korinne on erands with me as the other kids are always busy with their friends. When people find out I have 5 kids, I get to hear such totally illierate comments like "Do you know what causes that"? And when they hear I want to give Korinne a sibling close in age I get to hear "Just be happy for what you have"

You know what?

FUCK YOU! Yeah, I know what causes it in most cases. But I do not get that luxury! We have to either sink thousands in the sperm bank or go through lists of men whom you do not know is sincere or not, whom is in it to try to get sex or who is in it to scam you. And no you fat ignorant smelly bitch, I am not happy for what I have, wtf? If I was not happy with having the children I do have, why in the fucking hell would I go for a sixth?

And you know what? I am tired of having to basically fingerbang myself during my cycle to make sure things are just so because either I have limited time with the dewar holding the sperm vials, or I have to plan when to see a known donor. I should not have to give it a second thought if my cervix is low, high, soft or hard. I should not have to care what the fluids look like coming from there. I feel like I am searching for gold every month looking for ewcm, the holy grail of fertility.

This is how it should be; I should have a nice romantic morning, afternoon, evening or night with my husband and enjoy what I am doing instead of having my vajayjay pulled wide open with a speculum with Tony there searching for my cervix with a headlamp. I should bask in the afterglow of babymaking instead of feeling sore from having a catheter shoved into my doughnut hole, aka cervix.

I know, I know, this is a rant of way tmi but dammit, it is my blog and I can say what the hell I want. I want so much to finally get pregnant this month and all this stuff can be behind me and I can just worry about having a waste basket or toilet near me with the nasty morning sickness I get. I even miss that for godsakes!

I hate life sometimes.... I really do!