Some good some bad *shrug*

Well, lo and behold, a big beautiful positive OPK today!

So what *pout*. The first crucial sample was on Thursday and I probably won't pop an egg till late tonight. Ok, if anyone tells me it is not over till AF shows, I will personally rip your head off, let me be realistic here LOL!

I will wait patiently until next month, yeah right. Of course I will spend the next two weeks obsessing and trying to hold onto some small shred of hope.

That being said, onto my day. I woke up like a madwoman and peed on my OPK and a negative. Well, on a whim, Tony suggested I travel to our donor and I actually looked into it but something told me not to. Something besides it dipping into our 'just in case' money. Thank God I poas later in the afternoon and got my positive OPK. It would have been too late anyways.

I am in a dilema right now, sorta. As I mentioned in yesterdays blog entry, I feel like a fish outta water in my religion so I sort of stay away from most church members now. I got a call from my friend Brooke (well, for as much as she is a good person, she really isn't my 'type') to go to another friend Amy's (I feel much the same about her) birthday dinner Wednesday. If it were them and a select few I felt I could actually stand to be around, I would go. You see, some of the ladies there are ones I am still hurt by and it is hard to just forget. Two of them were very mean and insensitive when Korinne was at her worst. They made such cold statements much to the degree really of the fact that 'some people simply aren't meant to live long lives' and other extremely cold statements.

I am not yet at the point where I can look at them and not want to rip their heads off yet. But the thing is, Amy has been there for me for so much. Even as recently as when I had my kidney stone attack and I really want to be there for her but everytime I leave a Mormon social setting, I leave feeling anything but 'spirtitually uplifted'. I leave feeling like all they look at these settings for is a chance to incessantly brag about their husbands expansive incomes and no matter what, their kids are always the 'best' at something. Also, I leave feeling down because I know that I will never be able to live the standards they want me to live. Face it people, I am not Celestial material, plain and simple.

This is just not 'me'. I am the most 'real' person you will ever meet. What you see is what you get. No heirs here.

Speaking of friends, I feel kind of hurt as of late. Sometimes I feel like I really open up to people and try to be there for them and establish bonds and end up hurt. I was trying to just be cordial to someone I consider a friend today and feel I got my tail bit off. I know this person is going through pain but I hate feeling like I have to take the brunt of things which I did not cause in folks lives. In that sense, I am very tenderhearted. I just try to live by the Golden Rule but sometimes it does not work. People can be so hard to figure out. Maybe I should stop trying.

Well, this evening, I will pray that there are some strong swimmers remaining in my body and that one will find some way to unite with the egg.

I will also pray for those who hurt me.

Goodnight.