Trying hard to hold onto hope

Here's a wonderful color to match my mood;

SHIT BROWN.

I tested my OPK this morning, still 'almost' positive but definatley not all the way there.

Well, my surge sometimes comes later in the afternoon so again I tested. Nope. As my wonderful ex husband used to say "Almost only counts in horseshoes."

I have the fear that it is too late for the sperm to have much of a chance to live once the egg decides to pop. We had the inseminations done Thursday (two 'samples'), Friday (again two), and Saturday one. My cervix is up high and ewcm but no definate surge. So if only it would have just been two days later that he came out we could have nailed this!

I always feel like all the things that I want the most in life are just barely out of my reach. They get dangled in front of me, just when I think I have a hold of it, away it's pulled. Or worse yet, the things that seem to have the rays of hope and sunshine almost always turn to a grey and ugly storm. I am very sad today and no matter what, I just can't get my mind off of it. I look for hope that the cycle is not a bust, and each time that I do, I research things online about sperm/egg life, and it keeps pointing to the fact that like so many others things, it was 'almost' there but not quite.

I want so much to know what long and lasting happiness is. I am going to borrow a line from my friend Misty; "My life is the opposite of what it should be; Rather than being happy with a few sad moments, it is sad with a few happy moments."

I want so much to be able to just hold onto to the happy moments and not let them escape but they don't stay no matter how hard I hold onto them. This thing called time always runs fast and in the blink of an eye, the beauty of life is once again gone and there sets in the darkness again.

I have tried so many times over the years to find and hold onto the happy times in various ways ranging from both the very bad to the good. When I was in my early twenties, I submerged my life into going out partying and having as good of time as I could try to have. Oh yes, karoke night, dancing and flirting was alot of fun; while the 'moment' lasted. Then the next morning, the moment was gone and replaced with a feeling of huge emptiness and many a time a bad hangover.

Then lets enter my mid to later twenties when I realized the error of my ways. I then submerged (or at least tried) myself into being the very best Molly Mormon and picture perfect family out there. I always made sure the house was imaculate to the point where my kids probably did not feel like they could be kids, everything became a sin, from music to t.v. I would only have the religious stations and cd's playing as I drove down the road with my family and friends and would sometimes make sure the mishies (missionaries) were in my home twice a week for dinner or scripture time in an attempt to make Big Chad turn into a zealot too. Oh and before I make this next statement, I will say to the homeschoolers out there, I am NOT in any way slamming homeschooling. If you have the patience to deal with it day in and day out, kudos to you! You're a better woman than I am.

With that being said, school became 'evil.' Yes, all the teachers wanted to do was turn my perfect little angels into the horrible little sinners that all the other children were.

I would always make sure all the meals I cooked were worthy of four star praise and there was always some homemade desert baked and available for my perfect little family and anyone else who came over. I made sure the kids were in at least two sports/activies each and was always running around from one thing to the next . Then you know what happened one day?

I snapped.

I gave up being something I knew I never could be. I didn't quite go back to the extreme I once was at but I did do a major backslide.

Right now, my standing in church is inactive. Most of my children, except Alexa are inactive too. Alexa will, I am sure grow up to be the virtuous perfect little Mormon woman, marry a pretty as a picture returned missionary, probably have 8 beautiful little children and her life will be as that of a Norman Rockwell painting.

As for me, I am not that soccer mom. I love my family sure, try to teach them values and right from wrong. I guess you could say I am the 'cool mom' the one that will sit there with the kids and talk on their level and will not put on heirs. I do exercise my authority when I need to, don't get me wrong, but I have never forgotten what it was to be young and the feelings I then had.

I am not sure where I stand on everything though but I do know that I do feel a sense of sadness today as I continue to trying to hold onto hope but feel it slip away a little more each moment.

*tears*