Why do I bother to try to 'live' each day.....

when I only feel this life is a mere existance for me.....

We went to Korinne's neurologist today. She explained that while seizure deaths are rare, Korinne is at high risk due to her breathing getting effected. She told me some precautionary measures, one very common sense (never leave her alone in water, duh) and not to feed her three hours before bedtime in case she does seize and we do not see her it will reduce her risk of aspirating on vomit.

I did not want to hear my baby could die. I wanted to hear that I should not worry that these things are rare. Yet, I wanted to know the truth.

Korinne is perfectly healthy developmentally and in other aspects. To think I could lose her makes me just want to curl up and wait to die. I have been told to enjoy her and not let this worry me to this extent. To hear what I heard from the doctor today makes this near impossible for now. I love my other children very much but Korinne was the one I fought to have. She's my husbands only child. She's everything to the other kids too.

My mother told me I should never get donor sperm again. So what about all the other babies who are perfectly healthy? And of course there are those who feel I should not have more children. I will tell you my POV on that and if you don't like it, stay the heck out of my life, I do not care. My point is this; My older children are practically grown. I feel that if I do lose Korinne and never have another baby, my purpose will be gone that much more.

Do not dare try to understand me or give your opinion unless you could lose your baby at any time.

And 'God' why do you do this to us? You let all sorts of other heartbreak occur in my family all the time. You put so many trials on us, many I have not wrote on this blog due to not wanting to get judged. Our WHOLE family would be completely devastated and ruined if you took our Korinne. Go target some mass murderer. Go target the loser on the NW boards who calls my baby and Satori's baby names because they are not perfectly healthy. Target the asshole who wished death on Korinne on another message board because he did not agree with what I said. LEAVE OUR FAMILY ALONE. We are not bad people. When others are in need, what do we do even though we do not have much to give? We give and help when we can. Yes, I am angry at you God. Every night, me and Tony ask that you keep Korinne free of seizures. We say that if all else goes wrong, that's ok, we can deal with these things but please spare our baby because Lord knows, you DO NOT spare us much else.

I am going now to try to go gather my thoughts. My heart is wrenched out right now.