Hi all-
Monday night here and I can't sleep. My little Korinne is out here with a little palate made up on the floor so I can watch her every breath.
I was so hurt this morning because my mother was so cruel and uncaring in the way she handled my feelings on Korinne and my fears. Tonight, I talked to Cindy whose BTDT with a sick child and really, she provided a ton of insight. She had told me (and I never thought of it this way) that nobody can ever have a clue of what you're going through unless they have been there themselves. It made me hate her (mother) a little less but it will take time before I can get past the pain her words inflicted on me.
Why does family have to be so brutal? Aren't they the ones who are supposed to be there when things go to complete hell? If I saw one of my children suffering and in fear, I would do everything in my power to take that pain away. Then again, she never was the motherly type so why do I expect it now when I am 34?
I am trying so hard each day to try to enjoy life. Somedays are easier/harder than others. I remember how I used to look at my grandma (God rest her soul) when she napped in her easy chair and look at her every breath and worry a little. She was so old and so frail. I worried she would stop breathing. It somehow does not seem natural to look at my 16 month old baby and wonder the same thing. I should be looking at her and thinking how precious her little blonde curls are and her little heart-shaped lips are and how sweet she looks. I should not be counting breathes and getting frantic if she makes a different kind of noise. I have stated this before and I will state it again; I have suffered depression at various times in life and had feelings of hopelessness and I remember folks saying "Be grateful your children are healthy....blah blah blah..."
I hate how I had to learn this statement to be gospel. I know it's all relative people, but never take your children or their health for granted for a second. If life is a barrell of crap in other aspects, yes, do embrace it if your children are healthy. Nothing can ever compare to the hell that it is to watch your child as bad off as Korinne has been. I know other parents have seen worse and may have no hope that their child will see 1 much less two. I saw the other children in Riley's Hospital walking through the halls IV's in tow, no hair, sickly looking. Wow. Only thing I envy with parents of other sick kids is how some are older and can understand you. Does Korinne know how deeply I love her and that if God were to say "Wendy, you have a choice, you or Korinne", I would say "Lord, I will go. I will face and account for my wrongdoings, do my time in spiritual prison, if that means Korinne can live" yes, you bet I would. I read a book once about a little girl who suffered with CF (cystic fibrosis) for her eight years on this earth as written by her dad, sports writer Frank Deford. One part particuarly touched me and caused me to bawl. I am not copying it word for word as written by Frank but in my own words from my memory;
"They spread this pumpkin colored stuff on her chest and was about to start and Alex yells NO, not yet. It hurt me so much and before I knew it, tears started to fall. With an angels touch Alex wiped away my tears and said "I am so sorry my little Daddy...." A couple of nurses were overcome with emotion and had to excuse themselves for a moment. I was always more Alex's little one than she was mine."
Wow. I read and reread this book many times over the years. The first time I read it, I was 13 years old and not to be a mommy for another 6. To read it now though, would kill me. I want her to know how much I love her like Alex knew how much her parents loved her. But more than anything, I want her to be with me for all my time on this earth. I will do what I can to make it happen. I will need prayers, I will need help from friends to get by. I am trying so hard right now little Krinny, so hard to make sure you have a nice happy life. I do love you my baby, so so much. Lord, let her know her Mommy loves her and her Daddy, and big brothers and sisters too.
We all need her.
Well, that's it in a nutshell tonight.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.jpg)
3 comments:
Hang in there sweetie! I'm glad Cindy was able to help. She's awesome, isn't she? (((HUGS)))
I read that book too. I'm sorry things are so hard for you. I understand many of the things you've gone through - those yucky family issues. I'm praying for your family ans for sweet Korrine. Love from redsoxfan on NW
Sometimes I think family can be the most insensitive to you.I myself was a victim of child sexual abuse by my oldest brother.I came out with it years later (long story) trying to protect my nieces)I was told by certain members of my family to "just get over it" or "I should have said something sooner".
Korinne knows how much you love her Wendy.She can feel it.You are by her side through all this.You are her rock and she knows no matter what she will have her mommy by her side.
Post a Comment