Happy Independence Day

Right now, I begin my blog behind a curtain of tears.

Each day that I come closer to the two week wait ending, the more I feel Aunt Flow coming on.
I know with timing and all, I pretty much chalked my cycle up as done, however, it always stings no matter what, the closer to knowing for sure that your hopes for another are looking more and more hopeless every day.

Yesterday and today, the water weight bloating that precedes AF is getting horrible! I saw myself in the mirror and wanted to run and hide until AF is gone and the water weight is gone with her. I feel a hideous sight!

I am super teary and emotional today with hormones and life's circumstances. We know the reason for the hormonal part but I will explain life's circumstances. My two boys are still with their grandparents down South and the girls are with their father. Tony is working today so it's just me and Korinne. I love my little precious, in fact, she is keeping me going through all of this pain, but I feel that we should all be together today as it is a holiday. I am not going to bother fighting traffic and crowds for the fireworks they hold at the other end of town as Korinne is still too young to really know too much of what is going on so I let Tony take the suburban and I am home alone. The neighbors will be putting on their own display later in the night and I hung out a while with them last night but their is a problem there.

They are mostly very nice people, but they do put away the alcohol and plenty of it. It is so hard for me right now not to be tempted to just drink away the hurt and pain like I used to. That behavior is addictive and I just want to prevent myself from making more hurt for me and others in the long run.

I can mention that Korinne had her 15 month well baby check -up yesterday and it went very well. She's 20.6 lbs, 29 3/4 inches. A little thing for sure. However, she is doing exceedingly well developmentally and intellectually. It never ceases to amaze me that with as many grand-mal seizures as she has suffered, she has come through so well! She had desaturated at 50% and had to be put under with all the meds to stop her seizing. This was a little girl who came so close to losing her life and then being told she might have cerebral palsy or retardation. Wow, right on track or better with her age! I am thankful for that.

Thank God for small miracles, especially when everything else is so painful.