Writing through my cloud of exhaustion

Wow, what a week it's been.

It seems Tony and I never sleep anymore, well, very little. I have not just Korinne in need of prayer now, but Chad as well. That I will get to in a bit.

Korinne has had a good week since last weeks scare. I don't think she understands why her Daddy and I poke and prode at her every night and shine the flashlight on her. I am not sure if she will ever fully understand how much we truly worry about her.

Well, last Wednesday, I met with my bishop in order to see where I stand in this whole religion of being Mormon. I was hoping to recapture that warm fuzzy feeling I once had. Instead, I left realizing that I may never have really, truly, deep in my heart believed any of it. The meeting was very disheartening too, to say the least, especially when the bishop begins our meeting by saying "I can't say I LOVE your family, but I do care." Oh yeah? Fuck you. I'm done anyways. I am done being treated like a second class citizen because Tony is not a member, we're not wealthy to the wards standards, my boys wear longer hair, I'm not this soft spoken, simpering whiney little fake, and most of all, I refuse to believe that my family and I won't be "together forever" because we didn't enter the temple dressed like greek bakers, or should I say pay our way in? Oh and sorry missionaries, I don't believe that Mother Theresa is sitting in spiritual prison in some classroom on a wooden desk taking lessons on how to become Mormon in order to enter celestial glory.

And a shoutout to Janis too! Congrats on seeing your way clear and taking charge now before you had every little bit of life sucked out of you and your whole family!

I am now looking for a new church because I do want to continue a life and relationship with Jesus Christ and do want a church family. I know Chad has expressed an interest in going to what he says is a plain Christian church. Lord knows he needs the guidance now. I'm sure if any of my Mormon aquaintances knew of Chad's struggles, it would be directly atributed to me leaving church. I am sure they all labor under the delusion that wherever their hormonal teenagers go and whomever their with, all they have to do is look at their little CTR (choose the right) rings and all is right with the world and all temptation is resisted. I am tired of the lies, and the way they look down at us. Hey we're honest with ourselves and others and you people just do a great job sweeping it all under the rugs. Paint your pretty little pictures and keep up the lies and pop your prozac and all with be right. Of course there are a few very good Mormon friends of mine who are real and if you're reading this, I love you. This is nothing personal against you. I must say though, in the Valparaiso Indiana ward, "real" people do not exist, but for precious few.

With all said about my realization about my longtime religion, it does still hurt, bad. It's going to take a long time to heal and to find myself again. It's going to hurt for a long time. If only bishop might have been a little more understanding and less critical, maybe I could have made it work somehow. No, I couldn't have. Strike that. I learned that if I don't believe one thing, it unravels the whole tapestry of beliefs. No good.

But I do ask one things friends and fellow bloggers; For those of you who do pray and believe, I ask that while you have Korinne in your prayers, that Chad will be along with her. Right now, he's at a difficult point in his life and is faced with alot of peer pressure to make wrong choices. Please keep him in your prayers that he will be strong and able to resist tempation.

Also, if you get a chance drop a line asking that I am able to right the church that's the right "fit" for us.

Thank you all so much. Bless you all!