Again, losing site

When I left this blog off, I was on the quest for TTC baby #6. To be honest, I was always under the delusion that after I have #6, I was done and my family was complete.

In my heart of hearts, I know the number is 8. I don't know why, but I guess it makes it more simple, knowing that Chad and Alexa are nearing the end of their highschool years, and the older four in general are so grown up and independent, and just, well, getting older. So, it's not like I will have 8 little children running around. I started so young being a mother, and I am not done. I miss the days of my C,L,J,M foursome, and I want another generation of four growing up together as the older kids come close to adulthood and branching off on their own.

Unless you have a big family, you just don't understand the joys this lifestyle brings. One looks at me and most certainly think I am nuts. Well, you know what? I think they're nuts for only having two! Ha!

What I do hate is being back in the TTC saddle. The month to month living is sheer hell. The donor search, even worse. I wish I could totally give up on the idea of donors and expect another miracle conception from Tony, but I simple do not have another 5 years of fertitlity to wait for another miracle. I already experience on average, two anovulatory cycles a year. I am back in the bitterness phase I hate so much. You know, where you can't find yourself being happy for people's pregnancies but think of reasons why you should be pregnant and they should not? Most cases, my thoughts are legitimate, other times it's just a case of the green-eyed monster kicking in.

I just hate what this mode turns you into. And as always, I will always hate and resent the fact that my husband and I can't conceieve together like a normal couple. That it isn't a fun thing, and that I have to go the route I have to go which can breed unneeded drama and hurt feelings at times.

Why can't the very simple act of procreation be easy and unstressful?